Ham and Spinach Pasta Salad

I like pasta, but I don't like mayonnaise. This has proved to be quite the conundrum for many years. I've done my fair share of smiling and making small talk while trying to choke down someone's vile, mayonnaise-drenched macaroni salad. In my opinion, the mild flavor of mayonnaise does not mesh well with the mild flavor of pasta. Traditional pasta salad is little more than flavorless texture. Who wants to eat that? Not me. 

Fortunately, flavorless things lend themselves well to modification. While pasta salad does require some mayonnaise to keep its texture, there's no rule that says you actually have to taste the stuff. No sir. Out with the mayo and in with the Ranch. I never use measurements for pasta salad, so add as much or as little of the ingredients as you want. What I provide here is just a rough estimate. 

Ingredients:

• 3 cups dry macaroni (or any pasta noodle)
• 2 tbsp mayonnaise
• 1/2 cup Ranch salad dressing
• 3 slices ham, chopped
• 1/4 cup shredded parmesean
• 1/2 cup frozen peas
• 1 tsp water
• handful of fresh spinach leaves, chopped
• 1 tomato, chopped

Directions:

Boil the macaroni to your liking. Drain it and set it aside. Put the peas in a microwave-safe dish with the tsp of water. Cook the peas for about 3 minutes, or until soft. If your peas are wrinkly, you cooked them too long. Toss 'em in the trash and try again. We don't want wrinkly, dry, old-man peas in our pasta salad, capiche? Good thing frozen peas are cheap. 

Mix the mayonnaise and the Ranch into the pasta salad until you get the right consistency of liquid to noodles. This varies for everyone depending on preference. Mix in the ham, spinach, peas, tomato and parmesean cheese. Cover the pasta salad and put it into the refrigerator to chill. If you like it warm, by all means, eat it warm, but I want my pasta salad chilled so that I don't have to think about the fact that I'm eating warm mayonnaise. Ick. 

If you're pressed for time, let it chill for a little while in the freezer. Just don't forget its in there. It won't explode like a Coke will, but ice crystals in your pasta salad is almost as bad as tons of mayo. 

Peanut Butter Pie

I've been working on this peanut butter pie for a while. In total, I think I've made 6 or 7 peanut butter pies this week, just trying to hit perfection. I finally got it. Here is the finished version. If you like peanut butter, you absolutely have to make this pie. 

Ingredients:

• 4 oz. cream cheese (half a block)
• 3/4 cup powdered sugar
• 3/4 cup crunchy peanut butter
• 1/2 cup milk
• 1/2 cup heavy whipping cream
• 8 oz. whipped topping 
• chocolate graham cracker crust
• 2 tbsp Magic Shell ice cream coating
• Plastic sandwich bag
• 3 tbsp crushed peanuts

Directions:

Cut the cream cheese into cubes and microwave it for 20 seconds to soften. You can always leave cream cheese out on the counter to soften, but even at room temperature it doesn't hit that perfect consistency of solid, yet creamy that makes mixing easier. Trust me, stick it in the microwave. As long as it isn't melted, it will be fine. 

Put the softened cream cheese cubes and the powdered sugar into a large mixing bowl. Mix the two ingredients together with a hand mixer until they are fully combined and look like cake batter. Add the peanut butter and milk. Mix until both are filling incorporated. Add the cream and do the same. At this point you should have a thick, creamy, peanut buttery ball of yum in your bowl. 

Unplug the mixer. Take the beater out of the mixer and put it in your mouth (yes, this is a requirement). Enjoy the pie batter while folding the whipped cream into the batter. You can use a spoon, but I find that a frosting spatula works much better for this part. 

Scrape the mixture into the chocolate pie crust. A chocolate graham cracker crust works perfectly for this, but if you can find an Oreo pie crust it would probably be just as delicious. I would have made my own Oreo crust for this pie, but Oreos do not survive longer than an afternoon in this house, so any attempts at that would be futile. 

Now, force yourself to put down the beater (hard, isn't it?) because you'll need both hands for this part. Smooth out the pie filling with the frosting spatula. Pour the Magic Shell into the plastic sandwich bag. Cut a small hole in the corner of the bag and make swirly designs all over the pie. Sprinkle it with the crushed peanuts. Let the pie sit, uncovered (covering it will destroy your pretty topping and its hard as heck to remove  saran wrap that has frozen solid to the top of a pie) for a couple hours until the filling sets. You can then dig in. 

If there's any pie left when you're finished, you can cover it with saran wrap before putting it back in the freezer. The pie will have frozen enough by this point that the saran wrap won't stick to it. I keep mine in the freezer but you can move the pie to the fridge after it sets for a softer filling. 

Pumpkin Frosting

Ingredients: 

1/2 can pumpkin 

1 stick butter

1/2 tsp salt

4 cups powdered sugar

3 tsp vanilla 

1 tbsp pumpkin pie spice

Directions:

Put the ingredients in a large bowl and mix with an electric mixer until smooth. If the icing comes out too thick (it really shouldn't, but in the event it does) add a tbsp of milk and mix again. Continue adding a tbsp of milk and mixing until the frosting is the consistency you want.